So much as changed within a blink of an eye. Risks have been taken, opportunities created, new things awakened within myself. I have learned so much and still continue to learn. I receded within myself for a while but now am slowly breaking out once more. I stopped loving (beings, phenomena, myself) and am slowly breaking down my barriers. I have blamed. Others and mostly myself. I have held onto emotions and memories. I would continue to go back and forth justifying my actions justifying others’ actions, making a score card of who has hurt who the most, who treated who the best, who wins at the end? It created turmoil within me. It created barriers and twisted paths leading to dead ends within my mind.
I am happy to say that I have let go. I have forgiven. And surprisingly it was not the forgiving of others that took me so long, but forgiving myself. I let the what-ifs eat me alive and forced myself to believe that my thought processes and actions were caused by someone else. But in the end, it is I who control my actions, thoughts, feelings. For a moment I changed my infrastructure. For a moment I was lost. For a moment I pushed myself into the void and refused to trust, love, accept. I never had done so before. I always am so open to love.
"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better past"
But in being lost I found greatness within myself on my journey home. Characteristics I never knew I had until now. And I am so grateful. There is always a way out. Be grateful for the suffering, because in suffering is the answer to questions that have not even formulated in your mind yet. Within suffering is growth and truth.